In an announcement from Rome this morning, Pope Benedict announced that he has canonized Michael Jackson. Saint Jacko, as he shall be commonly known, shall be the patron saint of pedophiles (also spelled paedophiles) and Catholic priests.

Additionally, he announced that Jackson ranks above the Virgin Mary in the order of Heaven.

The announcement occurred at the end of the internationally televised Jackson funeral and memorial services in California. At those services, the Reverend Al Sharpton announced the three miracles performed by Michael (necessary for canonization):

• Michael was responsible for the ending of the Civil War due to his moonwalking across the battlefields of Appomatox Courthouse.
• Michael was responsible for the civil rights movement for his protests in Selma, "I Have A Dream" Speech, and single handedly passing the Civil Rights Act.
• Michael fooled just over half of the voting electorate in the United States into electing Barack Obama as President.

Sharpton also mentioned that Jackson died for your sins on a cross at Neverland Ranch.

(Washington-DC) It's difficult to say who was more surprised when the Vatican announced that it would begin the process of sainthood for William Jefferson Clinton, forty-second President of the United States: Bill Clinton, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, Vernon Jordan, Monica Lewinsky and well the list goes on.

Yesterday, the Vatican's public relations arm announced "Pope Benedict VXI deems former United States President Bill Clinton as a candidate for sainthood and that the process shall begin immediately."

Vatican and political insiders were both taken aback. "If we look at the first American saint, Elizabeth Ann Seton, and compare her to Bill Clinton, I just don't get it. But I guess I don't have papal infallibility on my side," said noted Harvard theologian Dr. Jonathan Mill-Hobbes-Davis. CNN Wolf Blitzer was equally puzzled, blogging, "Who knew you could hold a gold cord to Crazy Horse Too and become a saint?"

Many believe that the action by Pope Benedict XVI is an attempt to change his own image of a pontiff whose goal was to guide the Catholic Church back on a more conservative path. However, others in the Catholic Church think this has gone too far. Speaking on the condition of anonymity, a bishop said, "This is just ridiculous. For the process of canonization, the individual has to be dead. So if you want to start making Presidents saints, let's start with Ronald Reagan."

On the issue of death, Father Sergio Leone, spokesmen for the Vatican, said, "For a President to go from impeachment to meeting with a dictator like Kim Jong-Il and securing the freedom of two women when the might of an entire world could not is truly a resurrection." Father Leone went on to say that former President Clinton's trip was also being examined as the evidence of a miracle needed for sainthood. "We had received reports that Kim Jong-Il was at death's door. But with the visitation of President Clinton, reports showed him to be invigorated as if his disease disappeared."

Washington insiders have been generally approving in their reactions. When asked about the situation, President Obama said, "Having now dealt with Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State for going on three years, I can see where Bill Clinton could have the patience of a saint." President Obama then clarified that he was only kidding since "Secretary Clinton might yell at me again." Democratic strategist and long time Clinton insider James Carville simply said, "I don't know if Bill Clinton will become a saint or not. But I can tell you that there are plenty of women who will swear on a stack of bibles that he made them see God."

In a related note, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton released a statement, but as of this writing quotes were unavailable since no wire service picked it up.

Scientists confirmed yesterday that the hairy creature found squatting under a washbasin at St Peter’s was one of two escaped ‘Papa-Ursus’, the world’s first creatures to combine both papal and ursine DNA.

The animals, known as B16 and B17, broke out of Switzerland’s Genetic Research Centre last week, forcing the institute to acknowledge for the first time in public that such cloning work had taken place. Dr Claus Ratman, the director, said ‘there is no danger to the general public. If you see a bear wearing a cassock please call the Escaped Papal Bear Helpline, especially if it tries to engage you in a conversation on the rights and wrongs of abortion. These animals will not breed in the wild as they’re celibate – at least they claim to be.’

Many observers had always been convinced that the genetic scientists were always engaged in such controversial experiments. ‘Course they were…’ remarked one cynic. ‘Does the Pope shit in the woods. No hang on, I mean, is the bear a Catholic?’

‘We tried to warn you all about this’ said a Vatican spokesman. ‘Scientists start off by trying to cure cancer, and before you know it they’re fashioning monsters that make infallible doctrinal pronouncements before popping into the woods to relieve themselves. Where will it all end? These scientists, they are dressing up in white robes, growing long white beards, surrounding themselves with harp playing angels and then sitting on a cloud. And the question we have to ask ourselves is ‘Are they playing God?’

From: http://www.newsbiscuit.com

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created.  "What majestic trees!  What powerful rivers!  What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. 

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind.  As he turned to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path.  He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.  He tried to run even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes.  He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.  His heart was pumping frantically as he tried to run even faster, but he tripped and fell on the ground.  He rolled over to pick himself up and saw the bear right on top of him raising his paw to kill him.

At that instant he cried out "Oh my God!"  Just then, time stopped. The bear froze, the forest was silent, the river even stopped moving. 

A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the sky saying, "You deny my existence all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit my creation to a cosmic accident and now do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?  Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist, ever prideful, looked into the light and said "it would be rather hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but could you make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well", said the voice.  As the light went out, the river ran, the sounds of the forest continued and the bear put his paw down. 

The bear then brought both paws together, bowed his head and said, "Lord I thank you for this food which I am about to receive."

Quartel da GNR, 4 de Agosto de 2009: cabo da Guarda solicita troca de serviço. Superior hierárquico opõe-se. O militar argumenta: Vá pró caralho.

Acusado do crime de insubordinação, o cabo escapa a julgamento por decisão do juiz do Tribunal de Instrução Criminal. A hierarquia recorre. O Tribunal da Relação de Lisboa decide:

«[...] A utilização da expressão não é ofensiva, mas sim um modo de verbalizar estados de alma [...] pois tal resulta da experiência comum, que caralho é palavra usada por alguns (muitos) para expressar, definir, explicar ou enfatizar toda uma gama de sentimentos humanos e diversos estados de ânimo. Por exemplo pró caralho é usado para representar algo excessivo. Seja grande ou pequeno de mais. Serve para referenciar realidades numéricas indefinidas: chove pra caralho..., o Cristiano Ronaldo joga pra caralho... [...] não há nada a que não se possa juntar um caralho,  funcionando este como verdadeira muleta oratória.»

Para quem preferir os argumentos jurídicos, pode ler o douto Acórdão em:
http://www.dgsi.pt/jtrl.nsf/e6e1f17fa82712ff80257583004e3ddc/85e3b7ab708fb737802577dd00582b94?OpenDocument

HOLLYWOOD — After Mel Gibson's movie, "The Passion of The Christ," breaking box office records and with all the publicity the movie has received, polls show that for the first time in 40 years Jesus Christ is now more popular than John Lennon and the Beatles.

Rev. Harold Hurlpit of the Second Baptist Church of Los Angeles, who commissioned the poll, said, "I've been waiting for this day for a long time and all I can say is, 'Thank you Mr. Gibson.'"

"The fact that a lousy, long-haired pop star was more popular than my Lord and Savior is something that always stuck in my craw. I would pray every night that something would happen to knock that atheist singer off the top of the charts and finally along came Mel and the Lord is top of the list now," said Hurlpit.

Yoko Ono could not be reached for comment but a spokesman for her said that, "This could just be a temporary jump in the polls for Jesus. After the movie runs a few weeks, let's see where we are."

As reported at BongoNews

Sócrates morreu e Deus e o Diabo brigam porque nenhum dos dois quer ficar com ele. Sem acordo, pedem a mediadores uma solução, que decidem por uma proposta que se alterne um mês no céu e outro no inferno.

1° Mês, Sócrates fica no céu.

Dois dias depois, Deus já não sabe o que fazer, quase fica louco.

O engenheiro bagunça tudo.

• Atrapalha todos os elementos das orações e da liturgia;
• Dissolve o sistema de assessoria pessoal dos anjos; cria sistemas de avaliação,
• Tenta formar uma coligação de maioria absoluta, na base da compra de votos;
• Suborna os arcanjos e os querubins;
• Transfere um km quadrado do céu para o inferno e tenta construir um TGV para ligar os dois.
• Propõe a construção de um HeavenShop
• Nomeia anjos provisórios aos milhares;
• Intervém nas comunicações aos Santos;
• Troca as placas das portas de São Pedro;
• Envia um projecto de lei aos apóstolos para reformar os Dez Mandamentos e amnistiar Lúcifer.
• Funda o PTC, o "Partido dos Trabalhadores Celestiais", com estrela azul clarinho.

O céu vira um caos.

As pessoas não o suportam mais e promovem piquetes e invasões. Deus não vê a hora de chegar o fim do mês para mandá-lo para o inferno.

Quando Sócrates, finalmente, se vai, Deus respira aliviado. Mas lá pelo dia 20, começa a sofrer novamente, pensando que dentro de 10 dias terá que voltar a vê-lo.

No primeiro dia do mês seguinte nada acontece e Sócrates não volta do Inferno.
No 5° dia, ainda sem notícias, Deus estava feliz, mas logo começou a pensar que, tendo passado mais tempo no inferno, Sócrates poderia querer passar dois meses seguidos no Paraíso...
Desesperado com a mera possibilidade, Deus decide ligar para o inferno para perguntar ao diabo o que estava acontecendo.

Ring...ring...ring...!!!

Atende um diabinho e Deus pergunta:

"Por favor, posso falar com o Demónio?"

"Qual dos dois?", - responde o empregado - "O vermelho de chifres ou o que anda de fato Armani?"

Vatican City-- A very stoned Pope Benedict XVI has just beatified rock legends John Lennon and Paul McCartney by mistake. The stoner pope smoked too much weed before the ceremony, and confused John and Paul with Pope John Paul II. The beatification ceremony makes both musicians eligible for sainthood at a later date.

It didn't seem to matter to the pope that neither John or Paul were Roman Catholics, or that Paul is still alive.

"Well Paul looks dead. Only dead people have orange hair like that." said Pope Benedict. "And they were both more popular than Jesus, at least for a short time, so I think they deserve it."

The pope smoked some more weed, and then decided that his 'mistake' was inspired by Heaven, and he wouldn't reverse his decision.

"I'm infallible, you know." he stated, as he exhaled a giant plume of gray smoke. "Besides, 'Rubber Soul and 'Sgt. Pepper' were two of the biggest miracles of the last century. So there!" he exclaimed.

The stoner pope, or the 'poper stone' as he is also known, decided to save the beatification of Pope John Paul II for another day.

Source: http://www.thespoof.com/news/spoof.cfm?headline=s3i95247